Mail for Doc!
Yes, about one out of every 15 or so e-mails I receive regarding this website are from easily-offended nincompoops who apparently fail to read the disclaimer at the top of the USS Home Page. This seems odd, because the e-mail address only appears in the middle of the disclaimer. I guess some people just can't take a hint. Like my friend Popeye-X once said, "That's what you get for having the audacity to try to make people laugh."
My comments are in red (like in the Bible! Heh!).
As you very well know, ("As I very well know"? This is the first time I ever heard from this particular shit-wit.) I am writting (but not very well) in protest to your little anecdote aboout ("aboout"? This person is apparently Canadian.) mocking my Lord (Thanks, I was wondering whose Lord it was) and the entire Christian faith. (Hey, it's my job.) The only words I have for you are. ******** YOU!
Aww. I can't think of an 8-letter swear word that goes with "you", but maybe there's one in the Bible. Either way, it doesn't seem very christian, does it? I guess it supports my theory of christians being incredible fucking hypocrites, but my theory is strong enough that it hardly needed this person's wacky hypocritical ramblings as evidence.
(God Bless) You!! (Somehow, I don't think
they are being completely sincere here.)
Yeah, I'm the only one who doesn't buy the completely-impossible-to-prove horseshit that is The Bible and the ridiculous tripe that is modern christianity, so I'm the antichrist. Sheesh. Take your Ritalin before you burst a vein.
I am anxiously awaiting your response.!!!!!!!
My response is covered on the USS Home Page where it says, "Hate my stories? Click here." But something tells me you already DID, and that's why you got all upset and spit out this badly written piece of self-righteous ignorance. I'm sure christians everywhere are very proud to have you as the representative and spokesperson for their hokey-assed religion. (A note to all those who practice hokey-assed religions: I am willing to fight and die for your right to practice any hokey-assed religion you choose, even if you're Mormon.)
LaWanda Brown : email@example.com
And by the way, Robert/LaWanda/nonna_ree, remember to READ THE DISCLAIMER. It says, in part, "...if you are overly self-righteous, under 18, or just an asshole to begin with, don't even read these, much less e-mail me about them."
I think we have you covered at least twice there.
I have plenty of stories like yours to tell myself. I can even make them sound funny, like several of yours are. Instead, today I get a case of the creeping horrors when I think about my idiotic behavior when I was younger. It makes me feel lucky to still be alive, and not maimed, and not in jail, and not addicted to drugs. And it makes me not want to post those stories publicly, where young people can read them and confirm their opinions that getting shitfaced drunk and completely stoned all of the time, every day, and then shooting off guns, or barrelling down the highway in Dad's pickup, or trashing somebody else's house, is way cool and the only way to live. It isn't.
Oh goody, here we go with another "I've got stories to tell like yours but, unlike you, I'm too responsible to tell them" letter. I get these all the time, and each moron who sends one thinks he's the first one to do so. Some are pissed off about the alcohol, some the drugs, and some the vandalism, but the letters all look like this one. Mr. Jackass's particular piss-peeve is drunk driving...
It's stupid and dangerous. (No shit, you illiterate jackass, try READING THE DISCLAIMER.) Some of your friends are dead. (Gee, thanks for pointing this out, but I already did in the stories.) I have some dead friends too. Several others hobble around with fused ankles or knees. One is paralyzed from the waist down--HE can tell you how cool it is to be drunk when you're driving.
None of my friends ever died or were maimed as a result of drunk driving, and I just write about it, not advocate it. You have some pretty fucking stupid friends, which somehow doesn't surprise me.
And then there's the couple in their 50's I know, or used to know, anyway, until one night they were riding their matching cycles when some career drunk in a pickup came up behind them at about 70 MPH, on the main drag, a well lit street, right in the middle of town, and smeared both of them all over the road. Human paste. He said he never even saw them. I wonder if he was "howling with laughter" when he realized what he had done. I'm glad, so glad, that all of my idiotic drunken driving when I was young never ended up like that. Because it easily could have, and I still feel guilty about it.
HERE we go. NOW we're getting somewhere. Mr. Jackass's particular psychosis is GUILT, and mountains of it. He feels guilty over the deaths of his friends that had nothing to do with him, and even takes the step of overlaying my story with his! NOW we see who has the problem here. Maybe he's a Mormon. He feels that by sending me this garbage, he can absolve himself of his bizarrely misplaced feelings of GUILT by laying them on ME. It's not working.
Do you ever feel like this? (Guilty over your matching biker friends dying? No, that's YOUR psychosis, jackass.) Or do you say, "I'd do it all over again, exactly the same way, and fuck anybody who gets hurt, including me"?
Shit no, I'd have gotten a haircut and dedicated my entire life to trying to bone Bonnie Belknap, a big blonde who sat near me in Contemporary World Problems class. Sigh...
And if you say the latter...would that include your daughter?
Ooh, here's Mr. Jackass's Grand Finale. His whole letter was leading up to this completely meaningless phrase. What a fucking hypocrite. If my daughter got killed by a drunk driver, I would want that person very much dead. But I'm not such a totally brain-dead asshole that I would want to go through every book, magazine, TV show, movie, video game or website that the drunk driver ever saw or read to look for additional parties to blame. THAT would be fucking stupid, like your letter. I would blame the drunk driver, not the fucking media! It's called personal responsibilty, it works both ways if you're not a hypocrite, and you should get a grasp on it sometime.
Jackasses like this are the reason I generally don't get along with a lot of people my own age. They have forgotten what it was like to be a kid, and have become their fucking parents, narrow-minded old farts bent on political correctness. And the "What about the children?" angle is such a popular way to attack anything they disagree with that even dipshits with no kids feel compelled to whine the "children" refrain -- even over websites that say, "If you are under 18, don't even read these."
When it comes to personal responsibility, however, they'll have none of it: They feel the free expression of thoughts and ideas is dangerous, if they happen to disagree with a particular thought or idea. These are the same assholes who sue entertainment companies when Junior starts a fire after watching Beavis & Butthead. They actively blame everyone but themselves if something bad happens to their offspring or themselves. If I ever start acting like this typical asshole, I can only hope that my friends have the good sense to shoot me.
What do fuckheads like this expect? A heartfelt response, like "Your letter has a touched a chord deep within me, and I have taken down my website and replaced it with a series of banners for MADD."? I wonder if this dork wrote to Quentin Tarantino to whine about John Travolta driving around on heroin with no negative consequences in "Pulp Fiction". Oh, wait, of course not. After all, Vincent Vega wasn't drunk, he was fried on some top-notch China White.
One last thing: READ THE DISCLAIMER, JACKASS! I'm pretty sure you're covered twice in there.
Popeye-X chimes in:
Yeah, I used to be funny like you, but I've outgrown it. Don't you feel ashamed you're not as mature as me? What if I fucked your daughter? Ah, ha, gotcha on that one!
God damnit, shut up, X.
you got no reply to my questions huh? (I never heard form this moron before.) you got nothing to say do you? so what the deal? are you soft? (Check your skull, Eugene.) you think your hardcore or something? (Uhhh, yeah, I'm "hardcore". [???]) by the looks of it your even worse than the dumb fucks that write to you about your stupid ass stories. (I dunno, Eugene, they can be MIGHTY stupid. Some can't even capitalize.) that's cool, i understand, you being a woman and all, things can only get better. (Oh, now I'm wounded. He called me a woman. Let me pause while I cry...)
knuts (Appropriate nickname.)
Nothing says "dipshit teenager" like an e-mail so incomprehensible you have to check the "To:" just to figure out which website the idiot in question is referring to. This is why the "under 18" part of the disclaimer exists. Come to think of it, this is why the "asshole" part of it exists too. Wait until his parents find their Net access shut down, all because their shit-wit son had his little heart broken when Doc failed to reply to an e-mail young, stupid "Eugene" never even sent.
Subject: you fuck
You think your pretty slick don't you, the facts are you're a hypocrite. (Hey, wait, that's only one fact, suckmyassfaggot.) You'd sell anybody out. You're what we call in New York(clue)a fuckin rat. (Oh, come on, suckmyassfaggot, you're just trying to make New Yorkers look like idiots.) That's right a fuckin rat. A friend of mine referred me to your stupid ass site as it's pretty clear that you're a fuckin dickhead. (So what you're saying is, your friend only refers you to websites owned by dickheads?) But I guess that's cool since you've probably been one for so long. (Being one for so long makes it cool? Am I missing something here?) As far as I know you're a 12 year old kid playing with himself and getting taken advantage of by his pedophile dad, and his cross dressing mom. (Oops, there's the "teenager alert" line: 1. Only teenagers accuse everyone online of being younger than they are, and 2. Even if there was such a thing as a female cross-dresser, I think they would call it something else.) I know you don't have the balls to put this up on your site because it's too embarrassing to admit that all these things are true. (Wow, suckmyassfaggot, your batting average is not very good here.) It always hurts when it touches home doesn't it tell your mother I want my change ...you fuckin cocksmokin bitch. (Sorry, little feller, but Mom's been dead longer than you've been alive.)
Actually, this is probably another letter from the same teen-ager as in the previous one. He's probably pissed off about losing his e-mail account over the first flame he sent. Notice how he refers to being from New York and goes out of his way to tell me "a friend" of his referred him to the site, just to make sure I won't think it's "Eugene Kang". And how about the use of "that's cool" in each letter! Ha! Nice try, Eugene!
Come on, hate-mail senders! You can do better! At least read the stories first.
This next one barely qualifies as hate mail, but what the heck. He simply calls the site "crud", which I don't necessarily disagree with, but he could have been more brief.
Thats the beauty of the web. Any moron like me, or you, can post what we like because thats the whole point. The Internet has become a portal of good stuff, bad stuff, and downright crud.
Stop the presses! Shadowman reports wide variety of quality on Internet!
Hell, I have come across a website which thrives on its name, which is something like "Toms crap website" or whatever.
Amazing! You must be some sort of websurfing champion!
Your site falls under crud in content, not in layout, but thats whole point isn't it?
In a backhanded way, he's praising the layout! This has never happened before, even in my best fan mail. Really. And the "whole point" is good layout and crud content? I thought the whole point was entertaining ungrateful assholes for free.
Nice disclaimer you have, every bit as encompassing the South Park one "Due to its content, this show should not be watched by anyone ever". There ain't a jury in the land that wouldn't buy that. I really reckon that would stand up in court.
FINALLY, someone reads the disclaimer, and... misses the point entirely. It's not a LEGAL disclaimer, shit-wit, any more than the one on South Park is a legal disclaimer. The only ones who will ever sue me over this site are the people who may recognize themselves in one of my stories, and I pretty well have that covered. The point of my disclaimer is to let dipshits who may object to the content (like you) know that they shouldn't read it if they are some sort of sensitive asshole who gets worked up over nothing. Like you.
Anyway, good or not, your site exists, and thats why I love the web - the democracy, create what you like, give people their own choice whether or not to peruse the content. (I'm with you there, unless you're being sarcastic.) After all, we all have our own minds right? Well, the vast majority do. (And the rest are Republicans.)
Anyway, thats my ranting over.
Over and out.
I think it's safe to say that none of my stories are as boring as this letter. A day later, this genius found a BBS of mine and left a couple of obscene posts, thinking he was posting anonymously. Ha!
How dare you effect children with such BAD! content!
Jefus Christ is your lord the new christ bow down and worship
NOW!! NOW!! DEVIL BOY!!
Jesus needs to save you!
Okay, now we have teen-age geeks making up shit just to get their e-mail on the website. I visited your website, Dan, and I don't believe you're even the slightest bit religious. By the way, it's "affect," not "effect," and I've never heard of Jefus Christ. Your poor spelling and awful sentence structure hurt my eyes.
You're pretty immature. (Congratulationss, "matt", for reading the disclaimer and learning a new word.) How can you not believe in the Bible, but believe a school textbook that has material just as old as the Bible? (I believe a 2000+ year old school textbook? I can't find that anywhere on the site. If maturity involves jumping to conclusions this wild, I'll pass.) how'd the world begin? Apes? Gorillas? Monkey's? (No, Gawd waved his magic wand and it all began 3,000 years ago. Uh huh.) Even though darwin himself denounced his theory. (Um, no he didn't.) How can you say that Christians are hypocrites? (Easy: I read your letter.) Wouldn't that be putting a label on a group? (Scroll up and behold your "group".) Have you met more than 10 Christians out there? (Hell, I went to Sunday School for many years, and it's true that few of them are as full of shit as you.) Some Christians are hypocrites. (And I know where THAT list begins, "matt".) But not nearly as much as anyone else. (No, actually more so.) Nobody's perfect. I guess if Christians are hypocrites, then so are teachers. Some health teachers say smoking is bad,dont smoke. but what do they do after school? smoke. wouldnt that be hypocracy? (No, that would be "hypocrisy", but only if they actually thought smoking was "good.") i guess everyone can be one. right? (Yes. Christians, for example.) what's wrong with religion? (Idiots like you.) too cool to look up to someone? (Like you? Yes.) thats what i thought. ("Thought?" That must be a new exercise for you, and by the looks of your letter, you're not very good at it.)
ps have fun changing, editing, deleting, and making fun of me if you put this on your site. (Thanks, "matt", but I didn't have to change, edit or delete anything. And as far as making fun of you goes, well, better get used to it. Your letter speaks loads about Christianity, hypocrisy, believing complete bullshit unquestionably, and then getting all pissed off when someone reminds you that you're a nutcase. I'm sure Christians everywhere appreciate having you as their representative.) im sure youll do that somehow. (Wrong again, and again, and again...) don't tell me i didnt read your disclaimer. i did. (And you missed the point.) its not the stories that you told. i didnt bother wasting my time. (Yes, we can tell. It would have been kind of a strain on your literary skills anyway.) you'll say "this is awaste of your time". (Not at all! Bringing idiots out of the woodwork in order to expose their own stupidity is a hoot for me, and we thank you.) but it isn't. (Well, "matt", I don't think that's your call to make.) because you made some messed up points in your hate mail. u need correction because youve obviously been mislead by some other people. (I wonder if it was the same people who told you that Darwin refuted his own theories. Those fuckers are misleading EVERYONE!)
Wow, and to think I was getting bummed because nobody writes big-time stupid hate mail anymore. Some people are so full of shit you wonder why it doesn't come bursting out of their eyes and nose as well as their mouth.
People, don't read only the hate mail page before writing hate mail! That's hypocritical, you know?
I've never seen in the Bible where it says, "Everyone who believes in this book HAS TO BE a raving dumbass!", but I'm sure its gotta be in there somewhere. Why do these Christians even bother to talk back? Don't they realize they can't even get thru one sentence without proving they're full blown morons?
I see that you were afraid to confront me to my face. That's why it was just never meant to be...That's why I'm getting a divorce, irreconcilable differences, baby, wooooooo!
I mean, how much ass can you possibly suck at once? Ooh shut down! Your behavior is disturbing, and disgusting. Oooh shut down again!
It embarasses me to know that I belong to the same species as you do. I don't think I could ever get over that. Ooh shut down!
In the end, you are adumbshit. Ooh shut down! Super burn!
Sigh. Another silly fake.
If this were a real person, she (it?) would have identified herself, thus avoiding making the first sentence hypocritical. And the rest is just generic blather that could have been spewed by any teen-ager, so I guess this person has no clue to my age. What "adumbshit." This e-mail came complete with a forged header.
Okay, this is the last fake hate-mail I am putting up here, and it will come down later when I get something good for this space.
Maybe an hour after I posted that last one, I got this one. From a chick. What are the odds? Hmmm...
I normally have a lot more reason in me, but you just....you just crossed that line. (By what, blowing off your first letter?)
Much to the chagrin of Republicans just discovering the Internet like the one above, it's still a free country, despite George Bush's best efforts at building a fiefdom. You're free to express yourself, Chelsea, or Gwynyth, or whatever your name is. Your two weird letters don't make you bad, just a dumb cunt. Ooh shut down!
Hi, my name is Layla and I just visited your site unspeakablystupid.com, and I would really like to talk to you about possibly buying advertising space in your site. I only deal in simple text ads, so they are not hard to put up and they are not as obtrusive as banner ads. I also do not work for any adult or gambling sites. I work strictly with commercial sites and informational sources that have content that is appropriate for all ages. If you are interested, please let me know. Otherwise, thank you and take care!
If this is legitimate, then I am interested.
From: Layla Fisher <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Goodmorning Doc, thanks for getting back to me...this is legitimate :)
I wrote up an ad for your page http://unspeakablystupid.com/uss15.html the ad is as follows:
*in the first sentence of the first paragraph, link the word "newspaper" to:
*in the first paragraph, change the sentence, "So it was a lot like the 50's there, minus the good parts." to:
So it was a lot like the 50's there, minus the good parts like using vintage telephones to keep in contact.
*to the above change, please link "vintage telephones" to:
*in the third sentence of the third paragraph, link the words "California airport" to:
*in the sentence, "One day, I asked him why the Advertising Department was still stuck with Photoshop version 4.0 on their machines while our department had 5.0." of the fourth paragraph, link the word "machines" to:
*and in the fifth paragraph, in the sentence "Since we were actually just an agent for a real ISP in the big city named Transport,.." link the word "phone" to:
--My budget for this ad is a one time payment of $45 for a year, I make payment via paypal or by check..if you decide to place the ad I can send payment after the ad is up...just send me your paypal address or to where and to whom you would like the check made out to...I do ads like this throughout the month and would love to do business with you if you are interested and compensate you for you time and work
Hope to hear from you regarding my proposal :)
>*in the first paragraph, change the sentence, "So it was a lot like the 50's there, minus the good parts." to:
>So it was a lot like the 50's there, minus the good parts like using vintage telephones to keep in contact.
I'm good with a everything else, but that one's a deal breaker, sorry.
From: Layla Fisher <email@example.com>
Doc, what if it's in a separate sentence instead of being added to an already existing sentence?
"Vintage telephones" does not fit within the context of the story in any way, sorry.
(And that's the last I heard from "Layla." I wasn't thrilled with the idea of adding inline advertising links to begin with, but the idea of inserting some bullshit nonsense that would have puzzled anyone reading the story just wasn't worth the big money--nearly $4 a month!--being offered. What a fucking stupid idea. And now you know why I don't currently have advertising on the site.)